welcome to my twisted mind... jk. this is just a place for me to jot down my thoughts. i'm probably not going to make a fancy way to direct to each entry, it's gonna just be a page with tons of text in reverse chronological order for now. this is just for me, but feel free to read if you're curious about my silly little life.
this is readable on mobile but also way cooler (?) looking on desktop. i'll figure out how to make mobile layouts look cooler soon. hopefully.
another last minute entry WAHOO!
quiet day, not much to say about it. i'm in a good mood though, one of my friends is back after taking a couple months to himself. i'm really excited, i missed him a lot.
work was dull as always. gonna probably be dull tomorrow too. but at least i have some stuff to look forward to! i'm gonna thrift on wednesday which is exciting. i'm gonna try to actually develop a sense of style...
yeah though, regular ol' day. played some project sekai, did some work, same old same old.
oops! almost forgot to write here again. i have like 14 minutes to type this up so here goes...!
same old, same old. another quiet day off. i'm trying to work on my fashion so i've been looking into stuff on pinterest for a bit. my friend recommended that i make a board for inspo so i did! it's gonna be fun to find stuff that makes me look good but uh... expensive. very expensive. i got some black doc martens that were on sale though so that's really good.
played a lot of project sekai today. i hope i'm getting better at the game. also seriously, tsukasa tenma is just like me fr. his outfit in the zozo town collab is actually what inspired me to experiment with fashion... i mean, look at this:
100% a look i want to go for. i love it so much! hopefully i'm able to.
so yeah, today has been a quiet but good day. sorta slow and lazy, but that's fine. trying to enjoy the peace before my hours shoot up in the spring. smh.
almost forgot to write in here today. not much happened. the aftermath of the car crash has just been expensive... nobody got seriously hurt. i've been fiddling around with css grid layouts while adjusting some of my pages and, damn, i don't know why i didn't start looking into this sooner. flexbox can only do so much... combining the two has been awesome.
i've come to terms with what i wrote about on the 19th. it's gonna sting seeing him around so often but it's alright. i have friends who care for me and that's all that matters.
i started to train myself to play project sekai with multiple fingers because i want to be good enough to play songs like what's up? pop! ... it's really challenging. that's to be expected though.
apart from that, not much else to say. i'm just kinda bored.
got into a car crash today and had to call out from work. i had to call out last week too so i feel a bit guilty but also... seriously? why would i go in after being involved in a car crash? that'd be ridiculous.
my boss isn't the kindest person ever, so hopefully she doesn't give me any shit. if she does, i'll just show her pictures of my totaled car. that'd shut her up. she says a lot of awful things honestly... nobody likes her and it makes me a bit sad. a testament to the fact that you catch more flies with honey, i guess. i've always believed that and she proves that i'm not wrong in thinking it. morale is so low at my workplace, it's insane. everybody is miserable, worn out, and bored. myself included.
not much else to say about today. i plan on redoing this site's index and my about page so there's that... i'm off for the next few days so i'll have the time to do so.
feeling discouraged today... i don't think "that guy" is interested in me at all. i don't even think he wants to be my friend. i wish i could stop fixating on people, it's ridiculous. i'm gonna have to try to distance myself i think. this weird sorta-crush sorta-not is really tiring. it's also really distracting and occupies a lot of my thoughts. not good for me at all. i've felt these conflicting feelings for almost a year now. it's time to get rid of them. it'll be hard though. i have to limit how much i interact with him and that won't be easy because i see him very frequently.
apart from that... unremarkable day. just kinda bummed out right now. and very, very bored. i have no motivation to do anything.
that's all i have to say tbh. just another day in the life.
i had to come in to work today for some goofy ass class. it was pretty lame. idk how i even got roped into it honestly? but everybody else there didn't seem to know either, which is kinda funny. my boss was the one teaching and she scares the shit out of me... that sucked.
otherwise, nothing notable tbh? i can clear master songs in project sekai now! i'm happy about that. my skills are getting much, much better at this point. this is my first rhythm game ever so i'm super proud. only been playing for a few months too.
i also started a genshin nuzlocke which will be a challenge. i pulled bennett and diona though which is a massive W. healers and shielders will be my biggest assets here. it's okay to take a lot of time to beat something in a nuzlocke, so long as you survive in the first place.
for my daily angst... i still feel pretty unattractive honestly. i wish i could be more confident in my looks. that'll be the day.
regular day, pretty average tbh. i was really helpful at work at least? i like to contribute and keep busy so i'm happy about that.
my t shot hurt this time. i'm kinda sore. my next appointment with my doctor is next week so i'll be able to ask about my technique, how much soreness is normal, how much blood is normal, etc. i'm kinda tired of the shot hurting so i'd like to get to the bottom of it. i'm pretty sure it isn't supposed to hurt? but also puncturing skin and injecting steroids probably isn't meant to be super pleasant.
i wish i felt like i could someday be desired, if that makes sense. i feel like i'm too ugly and awkward for anybody to ever want me. a bit of a bummer honestly. it's been on my mind for a while. i'd like to meet someone someday... i struggle with love and romance for trauma reasons AND complicated sexuality reasons, but i'm also somehow a hopeless romantic at heart. i like the idea of love. i think it's wonderful. but will i ever experience it? that's the question of the day.
i always wind up updating this journal right before midnight because of my shifts. sigh. i get tired of closing every time i'm at work, but this is what i signed up for. but yeah, i want to be consistent with this. it's nice to just ramble, and having a small personal website makes it feel sorta... private? like nobody that i know irl will ever be able to find this. i don't really have a social media presence in general so idk how they'd find this AND figure out that it's me.
i'd be impressed if they found me here tbh... kudos.
boring day at work... nobody was there that i like to talk to. kind of typical atm though, i'm not super outgoing irl so that list is short.
my lack of emotional permanence kicked in full force and now i'm doubting everything i wrote yesterday. can't be happy for too long, thanks bpd and anxiety! oh well, i tend to have pretty drastic highs and lows throughout the week. it being winter does NOT help.
still experiencing sexuality confusion btw... men are confusing. especially cis men. i wish i understood them better, i always feel like an outsider looking in. i wish i could read minds too.. that would make my life so much easier. like SO much easier. i would know what people actually think about me, no room for doubt or anything. i hate doubt and uncertainty and you get a lot of that when you interact with others.
i have to get bloodwork done tomorrow which is super duper triggering for me because of past experiences. not looking forward to it but it's a necessity. i'll get through it, i guess.
OMG i'm literally losing my mind. "that guy" saw my face today (T and self care has made it look very different from the last time he saw it) and he was strangely nice?? like really strangely nice... we've always had a good relationship and all that but today was different somehow. truthfully, i've always been attracted to him at least in some way but i've held back because i didn't think he felt the same about me. but after this... i'm not sure. maybe he does find me attractive...
i got multiple good comments on my appearance actually! i've always been so so so self-conscious but maybe, just maybe, it isn't deserved. haha, i even got compared to a celebrity who is actually pretty hot.
i keep adding stuff to this journal's webpage. like, little graphics and stuff. i usually try to have a cleaner look but this nostalgic vibe is really fun! a bit sloppier than usual but enjoyable. it feels like an actual journal that way...
anyways, i'm basically just riding the high of people treating me nicer than usual and calling me attractive. hopefully i remember this feeling and internalize their words/actions. my emotional permanence is REALLY bad.
we'll see how everything goes from here. i'm excited to see what the future holds. at the very least, i think "that guy" would like to be my friend and that alone makes me happy.
a bit of a boring day tbh... all of my adhd medication is expired so i've just been a lazy blob. can't do anything without it, and i have to wait until my new meds come in...
yesterday's entry was so negative goddamn!! i guess i can be a bit pessimistic sometimes. i don't actually hate being gay--i'm proud of it! i just get so conflicted when it comes to the more complicated aspects of sexuality. for me, gender is easy. i'm a man. that's it. but sexuality... so much confusion. i wish it were simple.
i'm gonna see "that guy" again soon which has me nervous. he freaks me out in general, probably because i can't read him at all.
this is a place for me to write down all of my thoughts and shout into the void. it's pure catharsis. i don't really have anywhere else to talk about all my life stuff apart from my friends' dms, so here we are...
idk how personal this is gonna get if i'm being honest. it could get real deep or it might just be a bunch of lame bs. it really depends on how i'm feeling.
rn i'm thinking a lot about my sexuality. *puts my head in my hands* WHY does sexuality have to be so confusing??? i know i like men sometimes, but it's so infrequent and i'm so detached from the ideas of romance and sex that it isn't even funny. there's one guy that makes it so complicated for me. like, if it weren't for him, i could just say i'm 100% aroace and that's it. but i actually feel shit for this dude and that totally makes it so i'm not flat-out aroace, just on the spectrum somewhere. it sucks!! i wish i never met him.
he definitely doesn't take any interest in me and we aren't even compatible, so why do i feel these feelings...? it's not fair.
anyways, i found out that i kin shinonome akito today...! i didn't realize how much i relate to him until it hit me suddenly. so weird.
whenever i think about how i kin characters, i feel so ashamed. like, if my irls knew, they'd make fun of me or find me weird. but it's one of the few ways i can understand my identity. sighs.
in general life is so lonely right now. i code and play video games to keep myself occupied but idk how long that'll work for.
that being said, what else is on my mind... oh yeah. i want to find a new job so badly. like, so so so badly. it would be amazing. but i'm stuck in this job because i don't really know where else to go. shit sucks.